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The Car Crusher - Emails from an Asshole
Classified Ad (Jeff): i need my 89 dodge shadow towed to a car crusher asap. there are a few crushers in the area so get at me with a price and contact info
Respondent (Mike): Hello, Do you still need your car crushed? -Mike
Jeff: yes
Mike: Well Jeff, how would you like to have your car crushed by a REAL LIVE MONSTER TRUCK?! That’s right, for only $20 you can witness the ULTIMATE DESTRUCTION AND CARNAGE of your 1989 Dodge Shadow being CRUSHED INTO OBLIVION!!! Our CHEVY KILLVERADO is bringin’ the pain on top of 66 inches of DOOM-BRINGING TIRES and will leave your car COMPLETELY ANNIHILATED. Please let me know when you are ready to BRING ON THE DESTRUCTION! -Mike
Jeff: are you serious
Mike: YOU BET YOUR ASS I’M SERIOUS! The only question is, are you serious about your car being SERIOUSLY SMASHED INTO SMITHEREENS?! -Mike
Jeff: is it being crushed at a demolition derby or something?
Mike: No! You will have the honor of witnessing it being obliterated, LIVE AND IN PERSON, right in your front yard! No unnecessary travel to a stadium - stadiums are for PUSSIES! -Mike
Jeff: why the hell would i want to do that? then id have a pile of shit in my lawn that would be even harder to get rid of
Mike: No need to worry about cleanup! The Killverado will PULVERIZE YOUR CAR INTO A PILE OF DUST!
Jeff: no it wont. are you an idiot?
Mike: Do not underestimate the DESTRUCTIVE POWER of the KILLVERADO! Tell you what, if you decide to do it in the next ten minutes, your kids can witness the devastation for JUST FIVE DOLLARS. YOU’D HAVE TO BE A PUSSY TO TURN THIS OFFER DOWN! -Mike
Jeff: no id have to be a retard to let some idiot come run over my car with his stupid truck! what the hell wrong with you? dont email me again ya jackass!
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Note from 2022 Rachel: Most of these just annoy me in 2022, the guy comes off like a real asshole now. But I know I loved them at the time.
The reason you haven’t felt it is because it doesn’t exist. What you call love was invented by guys like me, to sell nylons. You’re born alone and you die alone and this world just drops a bunch of rules on top of you to make you forget those facts. But I never forget. I’m living like there’s no tomorrow, because there isn’t one.
-Don Draper
This has three of my favourite things. Crocodiles, Hippos and Rhymes. I read it and I felt better. I hope you do, too! (Left-Handed Toons)
Oh, God, Tommie’s humiliation is going to be even more delicious than I might have hoped. “Tommie, get out here! What are you wearing, a sweatsuit? You’re letting down everyone, with your ugly clothes! God, you make me want to puke. Let’s turn the house lights up, so you can see everyone’s disgusted faces!”
This is why I love the Comics Curmudgeon so much.
DAN METH - Hey guys… in honor of the 4th of July, I composed…
Happy 4th of July, Americans. Sorry I’m a bit late, but it wasn’t until I discovered this novelty song that I truly felt the need to share in your joy.
The Last Airbender Is the Worst Movie
Note from 2022 Rachel: The actual best thing about this day was how hard my brother and I laughed at every terrible moment in the movie; and we continue to laugh about it to this day.
Today I saw the Last Airbender. It is the worst movie. There is nothing enjoyable about it at all. I think Roger Ebert summed it up nicely when he said
“The Last Airbender” is an agonizing experience in every category I can think of and others still waiting to be invented.
There was nothing good about it. The dialogue, the effects, the fact that I had to wear 3D glasses when there was literally nothing 3D about it - it was all horrible.
The best thing about the whole experience was being able to come home and track “the Last Airbender” on Twitter. People’s real-time disgust with the film provided me with a solid ten minutes of entertainment, more than the entire movie.
Then I had pizza for dinner, so all in all a good day.
Blogging is hard. That’s why I posted this comic about blogging on my blog, so I could write about it.
Note from 2022 Rachel: That’s pretty good, actually
I don’t know why I’ve never thought of this before. Also I’m sad that I genuinely laughed at something on lamebook.com.
Unicorns. They’re Not the Other White Meat.
Unicorns. They’re Not the Other White Meat.
“…the National Pork Board, an organization devoted to pork and related businesses and farms, saw a threat to the national brand of pork, otherwise known as “the other white meat.” So the organization sent ThinkGeek a cease-and-desist letter.
ThinkGeek published the letter and offered this apology on its Web site to the board: “We’d like to publicly apologize to the N.P.B. for the confusion over unicorn and pork — and for their awkward extended pause on the phone after we had explained our unicorn meat doesn’t actually exist.” - NYTimes.com
The End of “Icing?”
Note from 2022 Rachel: The video I link at the end is no longer available but it was the Smirnoff Raw Tea commercial with a bunch of preps rapping, which for some reason I loved at the time.
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BrosIcingBros.com, a Web site closely associated with the popular drinking game that involves chugging warm bottles of Smirnoff Ice malt beverage, abruptly shut down last week.
Though Diageo, the parent company of Smirnoff, would not confirm any action against the site, the company hinted at “measures” taken to defend their brand, signaling a departure from its earlier hands-off approach to the game, known as “icing,” amid increased media attention.
via mediadecoder.blogs.nytimes.com
I love when “real life” and “internet memes” cross paths. I love when a company is secure enough in their brand to allow a bunch of douchebags to take it viral, with no permission, endorsement or input. I was thrilled that Smirnoff seemed to be standing behind “Icing”, or at least allowing it to happen. But now the meme, enjoyed by us all, appears to have been forced to an end.
It makes me sad that Smirnoff was not comfortable enough to let this end on it’s own. I don’t see how it was destructive to the brand. We all know Smirnoff ice is gross, but the girls who want it buy it anyway. If anything, all sources indicate that Icing was pulling in record profits for Smirnoff. So why shut it down?
I assume that people will still be playing, but for someone like me all the fun came from watching dudes get Iced at BrosIcingBros.com. Smirnoff took away my new favourite work distraction, and with it, any respect that they had earned from this.
